MY world...

HUH

2011-04-26T20:56:00.000-07:00

"If they call before I get on the bus babe, I think I'm gonna have to stay.."
Why does it feel like he's not coming home at all? Why is it that I want him to come home and I want him to magically just want to stay? He doesn't want this...He says this place is dead to him; I don't understand why, and why it has to be that place of all places he's choosing.. I'd follow him anywhere.. But really? There? Is it bad I hope his phone gets broken so he cant receive calls or something????? UH.

I just want him to be who I married; and to wanna be with me...no matter what..

Um..

2011-04-25T12:24:00.001-07:00

I ain't felt so dead inside in a long time.. :(

A day

2011-04-18T21:53:00.000-07:00

I have begun to accept Frank just doesnt want me.. and thats fine; he's started to say he really does.. But he still doesnt understand how I feel about all of this and he hasn't given me any proof that he really does want to me with me. I really dont know; he says he does, he says he doesnt; he shows he doesnt... He makes me hurt so much; but still in the end, I only want him in my arms holding me tightly...
Gotta TON of baby clothes to go through; and I'm pretty excited.. Just by the time I've gotten to it all week, I've been too tired or didn't feel well or something! Frustrating! :) Evan got a swing finally, and its SO cute. I also made it to the pregnancy center, where I found out I can make appts to come in and watch videos and make 'butterfly dolllars' and buy baby stuff. they sell like 25 diapers for 1$ and outfits for like 10 for 1$ and they even have bouncers and stuff. Its pretty COOL!

wow.

2011-04-16T14:42:00.000-07:00

So I woke up this morning to a message asking for a new phone.. I dont have the money to buy a new phone for him, I wish I did so all this would have never happened... I wish I could wake up tomorrow and my ring be gone and my belly flat and everything in whats turned into a nitemare can be over.. I love this baby so much already its not even funny; but as of today I've been threatened with losing him and over and over again.. If I lose this baby; noone will like me..
My world is shattering beneath me; he's going away and I really am starting to beleive that its for the best...Why care anymore? I tried SO hard; it isn't working.
What else can I do?
I've said it a million times; and still...All I want is my husband home with me.. and this is absolutely killing me.

The Start of this journal..

2011-04-15T23:30:00.000-07:00

I write from my bedroom, alone. My husband..1000 miles away; and I feel so lonley.. Evan's kicking the pillow I have holding up my stomach; and I wish Frankie was here so bad so that he could feel how hard this baby really can shove his different limbs into the wall of my tummy! I didn't get to hear his voice tonight, I didn't get to see his face today, he didnt text very much either.. It makes it even harder.

Life here is still going on, I keep looking around wondering what I can do next.. I've done alot the last few days despite being sick. I had help but the bedroom got moved around, I cleaned the living room and got some furniture moved so there was more room there too. The bedroom I like better now, Evan has his own little space in the corner with his cute swing all set up.. Frank hasn't seen his swing yet. I seperated the baby toys from the bigger kid toys so I could put the baby toys up and in the bedroom for Evan; got three bags of baby clothes to go thru, but I cleaned the car inside and out.. I cleaned the bathroom, and picked up the kitchen too. I think I'm nesting almost, but IDK for sure. I asked my Dr the other day "how do you nest on bedrest????" and he just kinda laughed at me.

Evan seems to be doing okay, the Drs all seem very concerned about his actual age in womb; apparently they cannot figure out my actual due date. My mucus plug is starting to come out, and I'm 3 1/2 cm dialated, though I'm only 28 weeks. My labor was already stopped with a shot about five weeks ago now; and the baby is head down.. They heard some weird heart noise a few weeks ago too; so now they wanna do an amnio asap. I dont like the idea, but if it benefits Evan I'll do it..wish I didn't have to do all this alone though. Evan *EJ*- was wrapped up like a pretzal when I went into the Dr on Thursday.. He had his arms covering his head and ears, his feet wrapped around his shoulders; except then he decided to suck on his toes. It was cute, but it frustrated the hell outta my Dr. LOL <3 Totally our son.

Anyways, I'm sleepy and I'm gonna write in my "what I love about you book" before I go to sleep.. I've got a few letters and a card to mail my husband, and I wanna mail him his book too; but IDK if he'll actually write in it since hasnt as of yet.. *Sigh*
I'm going to try and start writing in here often, for why I'm not sure.. But I am :)